ACEs: A Tale of Trauma

Not a lot of people are aware of the area I live in, especially if you are not from around here. In Lake County, Illinois - we live in a suburban (borderline rural) area with a lot of Chicago's mentality and culture. Here, we have a rich diversity of people, which also comes with diverse social issues. Lake County is one hour between Chicago and Milwaukee, right on the border near Wisconsin. Due to our unique social location, a lot of our culture also intermingles with some of Kenosha and Racine Wisconsin. The closer you get to Lake Michigan, arguably the more violent the crimes can get. However, in order to understand how the community got to where it is now, we must discuss concepts such as ACEs: Adverse Childhood Experiences while exploring different types of abuse / trauma.

For the purpose of understanding the social history of Lake County, we will rewind to the late 80's and early 90's when a lot of families were leaving the city for the promise of a better quality of life in the suburbs. Many of these individuals also brought the city culture with them to the suburbs. This included bringing gang chapters as well as cartel / organized criminal activity. These families raised children who are the last of the Millennial age group and most of Gen Z. From here forward, I will be discussing some of the Adverse Childhood Experiences I've personally had as a Latina "Zillennial" who has many intersectional identities that have made things difficult growing up here.

While in grad school, I had to write a family of origin paper that discussed themes that my family had, concerning our demographics and history of how I ended up where I am today. In the paper, I remember distinctly talking about how in middle school I could virtually see the shift in culture between people in my age group based on our races and the stigmas behind each. I went to very versatile grade schools that had high populations of white, black and latinos due to our district being so large. I also remember being targeted by administration for possible gang affiliation for wearing certain color combinations like black and gold or baby blue, etc.

Many of the boys around ages 11-14 were already heavily indoctrinated with gang / ghetto mentality and actively pursued those life styles. These same teenagers were being targeted by "OGs" in different gang chapters to get these kids to run drugs and do other things to get initiated. I don't have all the details, I'm simply just stating what I've seen and experienced. As early as 12 years old I had allegations of affiliation all the time because I tended to hang out with people who ran the streets. But I couldn't help that either, I was raised by a father who was a Spanish Cobra.

Knowing what I know now, my father was in his late 20's when he was too drunk to drive me to school after I missed the bus. I remember that day clearly because he told me about his gang life in detail. He described to me that his parents were too burnt out to care for him as the youngest sibling of 7, and since they were Jehovah's Witnesses, the did not tolerate his behavioral health issues when he was showing signs of significant bipolar disorder. Papi was a very emotional person underneath all of his anger and frustration. You can tell he looked to me for safety and guidance sometimes - even though I was a child myself craving the same thing from him. When Papi moved to Chicago, he turned to gang life because that was the closest thing he had to companionship and community. Along the way he racked up a lot of criminal charges, a few jail visits, lots of trauma of his own, and eventually a severe alcohol and drug addiction. Today, many people my age (I am 29) are also experiencing the same fate with similar consequences that my Pops had to face.

There may be some of you reading this that remember a time where you were raised by an addict too. Where you remember coming home with your stuff being pawned so that they can get their fix. You can remember when you look in your closet or under your bed and find hidden bottles of 40 Oz drinks and 5ths they put there. I remember at the age of four my mother pulling me to the side to ask me if my father tried to take money from me. I bet you also remember waiting on them to come for them to never show too, and how that impacts you today as an adult trying to build families and careers.

You may ask why my mom stayed with my dad so long. Maybe it was due to her own trauma with her father. Perhaps she felt like since she didn't have a relationship with her father, that at least I deserved one with mine. She allowed me to form my own opinion of him and never stopped me from trying to have him around. The only thing she didn't consider is how having an addict as a present father would effect me today. How that would impact the way I would raise my own children if I had them. How that influences the people I fall in love with and what I tolerate now.

My attachment style is somewhat disorganized but mainly anxious. I crave security and safety to the point it gets me physically ill when I feel like I'm not getting that from a person. I have such a deep fear of abandonment that I would rather be neglected that fully ignored and left alone. Most of my adult life I have settled for crumbs when it came to my relationships - all because I was a Daddy's Girl to an addict. That cycle of abuse could've continued - but it's ending with me. It's ending with me each time I show up for myself, no matter what that may look like. Some days it may be as simple as me taking a shower. Other days, it could be forcing myself to go to doctor appointments, even with tears in my eyes as I'm on the way there.

This brings me to my ultimate point: when you're healing - you're not just healing who you are now. You are reparenting parts of yourself that never got the love, attention, affection, reassurance needed as a child. Hell, I may be biologically 29, however developmentally I have the emotional capacity of a 15 year old. That's nearly 14 years of parenting up to now I still must catch up on. But I'm doing it - one therapy appointment at a time; one medication at a time; one day at a time. This means while you're growing into who you are - you must heal the wounds inside of you that were acquired when you were just a kid. Even if it's not your fault - even when it's unfair. You owe it to yourself to have joy, love, patience, self-control, and more.

Things get challenging when you hit 25. That's the age where your prefrontal cortex is fully developing and things start to naturally click inside of you. Sometimes, this means your brain / body may start to remember things that you forgot as a child because it was part of your brain's defense mechanism to protect you. You may dream of places and people that may not make sense; but with a little help you could figure out the deeper meanings behind them and how they may tie to your memories and past. You deserve the help it takes to figure out what's going on inside of you so that you can let things go and make room for better experiences.

As a human, we are always evolving and forever growing into something. Make sure that the seeds you're sowing today will produce fruitful abundance in the future. Things are hard for everyone right now; but you deserve the space to heal and a community of support to help you get there. I hope that this blog helps you feel a little less alone out there, and a little more seen.