Holiday Blues + Inner Child Wounds

TRIGGER WARNING: S*XUAL ASSAULT / C-PTSD

We often hear on commercials now: "Tis the season to be jolly!" -- but what happens when it isn't for you? What if this season is heavier, darker, colder -- similar to the weather? Beyond seasonal affective disorder (SAD), many of us have strong triggers that bring up feelings of loss, grief, trauma and more. Maybe this is your first year celebrating without a loved one. Maybe this year you're on your own and expectations of your "success" are high. What do you do when you're not in the mood to be merry or bright?

I am here to tell you today it is okay to show up as you are. You do not have to participate, celebrate or be around anyone if that's what you choose. You're allowed to feel however you feel right now, despite what the television or society will push you to feel. You may not want to go to your family's house for Christmas, or go out at all for New Year, but what is some tradition that you can come up with yourself to make things just a little more happier? You can't control how others will respond, react or receive things, however YOU have a lot under your control.

As an adult, I found myself isolating more and more as the season begins because I personally have nothing special to speak on during the family get-togethers. I never finished master's school, I've been unemployed for a little over a year now, and I still live in the basement at my parents house. I never have it in me to mask my feelings long enough to make myself go anywhere. A couple years back, in a ditch-effort to feel festive during a manic episode, I bought a lot of Hello Kitty Christmas stuff to appease my inner-child -- including a beautiful Christmas dress I haven't worn... yet.

I suppose my trauma triggers for the holidays began about a decade ago. When I was 18 years old, I was drugged and sexually assaulted my first semester into college, RIGHT before Thanksgiving. I've hated the holidays ever since. I didn't want to mask how I felt during that time so instead, I isolated and stayed to myself. That year I decided to spend the holidays with my pops because he inherently made me feel the safest.

11 years later, I slept the entire Thanksgiving day and didn't have any turkey, stuffing or anything. I wanted to go to my dad's, but he texted me that his uncle passed away and I had a feeling he would be drinking profusely. Quite frankly, I didn't have the capacity for any of it. In fact, I ended up relapsing with self-harming behaviors and was too embarrassed to show my face anywhere. So this Thanksgiving, it was just me, my pets and my bed. Now with Christmas coming up next week, I found out recently that I will be alone while my sisters and parents go to Wisconsin Dells. In a way... part of me prefers it like this. My inner-child though? She's sad as hell and I can't blame her at all. She's feels left out, unworthy, unseen; she mourns a lot of things like the way her relationship was with her family when she was younger.

When I first started inner-child work, I did not understand the sheer amount of grief that it comes with. My emotional reactions and behavioral patterns were strongly tied to how I learned to cope with my emotions as a child / adolescent. Growing up, my childhood was really traumatic due to my biological father being a drug addict and by the time my mother met my stepdad, the damage had already been done. I feel like ever since my blended family grew, my sisters became the main priority and I've been on the back burner ever since. Of course raising children takes a lot of effort, but as a woman with multiple disabilities, I still need my parents -- even today.

As an adult, it feels like all the magic of the holidays are gone and it's completely up to me to make it for myself. I miss living room time with my parents, watching Jack Frost, Home Alone or How The Grinch Stole Christmas and baking cookies. I miss making gingerbread houses and helping decorate the house. I even miss going to church and making Nativity crafts to bring home for my mother or grandmother. I distanced myself so far from my family they expect me not to come -- to the point I don't even get invited to things anymore. The truth is, I want nothing more than to spend that time with my loved ones, but not all of them are considered "safe" enough to in my eyes for my inner-child to be around.

Today, I am mourning what relationships I did have with my parents while desperately trying to reparent myself to the age I currently am now. And all I want is to be loved, seen, and celebrated for who I am now. Since I haven't had an income, I have not felt like a valued member of this house. Much of the interactions I have at home are transactional at best. I don't hear "I love you" too often, nor can I remember the last time I had a hug. I can't say the house dynamic is entirely my parents' fault though. They're not bad people; they're probably completely unaware of how I am processing everything. I also feel like to some extent they were trying to protect the family that they had been raising together for 7 years while I was out of the home, failing to recognize that I am still part of that family. I had to force my way back into the house and make space for myself.

I was 25 years old when I had to move back into my parents basement. Nearly a decades worth of repressed trauma mixed with untreated bipolar, borderline personality and ADHD came home with me in addition to a substance abuse issue with marijuana. The first 6-8 months I was home I would sit in my driveway smoking weed until everyone went to sleep because my car was my safe place. I had what was called agoraphobia - which is an anxiety disorder characterized by intense fear of situations where escape is not possible or help is not available -- ultimately leading to avoidance of places such as crowds, public transport, open spaces (parking lots, bridges), or enclosed spaces (shops, theaters), and sometimes even leaving the house.

Since 2021, I have been in and out of treatment for various physical and mental health issues. I have been fighting tooth and nail to be exactly where I am right now. Even though it doesn't feel like I'm very far, a lot of growth has happened within myself that I have learned to appreciate and celebrate. It's the reason I created this blog, to heal out loud and show others that it's okay not to be okay... even during the "Most wonderful time of the year."

I take things day by day. Hell, hour by hour sometimes. One thing I've grown to learn is that tomorrow is ALWAYS a new day and things will not stay the same forever - not even a storm. I've scraped rock bottom enough times to know my way out now. Even though Thanksgiving was tough, and Christmas may be a little lonely... I can still do something to make that day magical for myself for the few days I will be home alone.

My inner child told me she wants me to wear that Hello Kitty Christmas dress this year. She wants to make that gingerbread house, watch Home Alone and bake cookies. And just like the movie, she doesn't want to wait around for the family to have fun or take care of her needs. Family is always a plus, and I have plenty of time to figure out ways to improve relationships at home... but for now - my inner-child gets my full undivided attention this Christmas. We will honor her sadness, we will provide her love and grace. We will play, laugh and enjoy each others company. I invite you to do the same with yours.